Sunday, 30th August, Oakland: Dr Dan Wile and Collaborative Couple Therapy
Thursday, September 3rd, 2009We have an interview in Oakland with Dr Dan Wile, a man Dr Gottman describes as “a genius and the greatest living marital therapist”. Quite an acolade from the great Gottman himself, so we knew we had to see this man.
Dr Wile talked fascinatingly about his approach to couples therapy and why it works. The basic premise of his work is that he works as a translator for couples who are having difficulties. He sits couples down and gets them talking about a topic which causes conflict. He then mediates the discussion, by listening to what each individual has to say, then repeating it in a way which takes out the passion of an argument. He’s been doing it for 35 years, with great success. He explained to us the theory behind the approach.
He then, spontaneously, offered Mike and I the chance to undergo a typical session of CCT. The issue that the two of us often have when we meet these esteemed experts in their field is that we have no issues. We’re newlyweds, so in events like the Gottman weekend, while other couples are weeping about longheld enmity, Mike and I are wondering if our scraps about what shelf to keep the eggs on in the fridge count.
(Cue caption competition…)
Dr Wile is patient with this concern and says we should give it a go anyway. And funnily enough, though reticent at the beginning, Mike and I find ourselves having a discussion about a recurring issue in our relationship. When probed, it really does seem that there is an underlying problem there. Everytime one of us finishing putting our point forward, Dr Wile kneels down on the side of that person and speaks for them, repeating what they have said in a diplomatic, succinct and reasoned way. He starts with “let me see if I have understood… what I think you meant was [...], is that right?” Because he’s so good at this, he always hits the nail on the head – summing up the point of view cleanly and quickly. He then turns to the other person and says, “well, how do you feel about that?”, sits back in his chair, listens, then repeats the process.
It sounds so simple, yet it really works. Without wanting to turn this blog into my very own written shrink, Mike and I have one recurring issue: he is a powerhouse of activity, and sometimes I feel guilty about not being able to keep up. If he puts his mind to something, he won’t stop until it’s done (working late into the night if needs be, and always to the exclusion of everything else – food, wife, chat…) I try to keep up but often can’t – and end up either feeling guilty about it, or feeling resentful. It’s an unusual complaint for a couple to have: that the man does too much, rather than too little… Anyway. We went through the CCT process – which revealed a lot about our underlying feelings on the matter, and also, how we argue. Dr Wile said that he thought that if we could maintain this way of discussing a matter, we were in great shape – lots of laughter, light relief when it got heated, and much willingness to compromise and find solutions. Very interesting. And hopefully useful when we get trapped in some bog further down the road…
We then met his wonderful partner, Dorothy, and interviewed them as a couple (rather than as Dr Wile, the therapist). Totally charming, they met only 5 years ago, when both of them were wondering if they really would never find love again – and they were like teenagers!
www.danwile.com
We are over there to meet Dr John Gray, the author of the most famous relationship book ever published, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was first published in 1992, since which more than 14 million copies have been sold. Gray’s basic assertion is that men and women are totally different, and if you can understand and navigate those differences, you have a better chance at a functional, happy and lasting relationship. He has since written many more books in the Mars/Venus series, with more detail for specific areas.
He talks fluently and articulately on the scientific reasons (chemical, physiological, sociological) behind the way that the genders behave, and gives advice on ways to get along best around those differences. To do it little justice but sum it up in a sentence: men need to feel appreciated, women need to feel listened to. So men need to come home and feel appreciated for the work they have done during the day, and women need to be able to unload to their men (NB men do not need to offer solutions – they should just make a show of listening and offering sympathy. Women just need to unload)
We then interview Martin and Josie Brown, authors of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Finding Mr Right. They have been married for over 25 years, and have worked with Dr John Gray for the last 10. Double whammy: relationship experts and a longlasting couple to boot. These guys are great fun to interview, they laugh lots, and we are pleased as punch to have met them.
With the interviews in Sausalito across the bay, we had a chance to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge and back. On the way out, it was foggy at the start and sunny by the end. On the way back, yet more freezing San Fran fog…
Relationship update: That night, in the tent, Mike breaks wind – and the first rule of camping. It’s a rotter. He’s in deep trouble with the wife.
