Tuesday, 18th August, Salt Lake City: meeting with 2 big Fundamentalist families
Another unbelievable day: Having met the 30 year old husband of a plural family the evening before, Anne took us to meet a 50 year old patriarch. He had many more wives than the first man’s two, but we didn’t ask. Maybe 4, who knows. When asked how many children he had, he laughingly said that he didn’t know, but I think it was his media-savvy kicking in. His eldest child is 31, his youngest 8 months. Swarms of smiling children scampered around his big house and garden, delighting in watching dad and moms being asked about their family set up. 5 girls between the ages of 14 and 12 laughed together as a gang – exactly like I was at school, just that I wasn’t related to my closest friends. It was the morning after a family wedding so everyone was around, we met tens of people, all from this one family. The children were totally enchanting. All unique, all curious, asked questions, wanted to show me round, eager to show off.
The answers to our questions were less satisfying with this family, I think because the entire family came out to the garden to listen in. I had a stronger sense of the male patriarch in this family – he answered most of the questions, and in a way which was quite hard to penetrate. He was, however, utterly charming. His wives were quieter, and more traditional. One younger one wearing the oft-seen sculted top knot, and all covered reservedly. When I asked who was the mother of a specific child, he said that all the children treat all of the women as their mothers and that question is never asked around the home. One of the wives was the home mom specifically, one works as a teacher, everyone shared the work. Older kids look after younger kids, everyone has their tasks on the farm that the family have in their big garden in suburban Salt Lake.
The relationships between the man and his wives in this family felt much more traditional. When I asked how he courted one of his wives, he said that courtship doesn’t exist in Fundamentalist Mormon culture. Individuals pray to God for the answer and when it comes, they talk to their bishop, who will then sanction a union. The couple then gets to know each other, court, and fall in love (though they do not refer to an emotional love, this is an eternal love, sanctioned and ordained by God, love is based on commitment, emotion plays no role)
Believe it or not, this is not the entire immediate family.
They are very industrious, growing and canning a lot of their food. When talking about finances, they say that they do indeed have to be very frugal, shopping in bulk, coordinating it all with military precision, taking advantage of good deals. The kids don’t seem deprived though in any way. I asked them about their favourite flavour of pizza, and they do indeed have take out nights and sleepovers like any other children. They are homeschooled, that’s the difference. The younger husband we interviewed said that he had loved every minute of his childhood – who wouldn’t love having 5 brothers the same age who were all best friends and could spend every minute together?
Finally, Anne took us to the elderly patriarch of a huge family. He was also the leader of one of the Fundamentalist groups, having been disatisfied with the way that one of the other, larger groups was organising itself. We pulled up outside a huge red brick house, built in a U shape, with a basketball court to one side, baseball diamond behind it, large playground, rose garden leading to the front door. A jovial old man opened the door, huge grin, playful tone of voice. This was him. He explained that the whole house was built by members of his church and family. It had taken 2 years, but they had designed it themselves and it suited them perfectly. It really was a spectacular place.
He and one of his wives showed us round the place. She was dressed in a more traditional way, with long braid and shirt. But she had real presence – answering most of our questions with authority and fervour. They took us to the church that they gather at. A big room with a stage and seats for 200 or so. The school, also on the grounds and attended by members of the family, was putting on a play so various props littered it. The Fundamentalists believe that, among other things, Jesus had multiple wives and was a father. She refered to a passage in the New Testament when Mary and Martha were with Jesus, and one complains that she is having to wash the dishes whilst Mary can talk to Jesus. Not the behaviour of someone receiving a guest, more of someone talking to her husband.
They showed us the various different quarters which each of the wives had: all having their own private space for them and their children (though most of the wives had no children left in the home). It was huge and totally fascinating. He was utterly charming, again, great company, with a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous grin. Though I was really tired by that point, I was still totally charmed. We interviewed him and two of the wives and it was interesting to get the older perspective. A friend of his had died suddenly, and the church had suggested that he marry the man’s wives, so they had lived with him for 20 years. The eldest of these ladies had joined us for an interview. She was a fabulous granny figure, 84 years old, and treated her now-husband as a mate. They laughed together cheekily, and there was the suggestion that there were no sexual relations there.
In fact, at no point during meeting any of the three families did I feel like this was something to do with sexual gratification. As the woman at the conference were at pains to point out, if you want to get a lot of sex, why on earth would you get more wives? Surely you’d just play away from home – so that it was sex with no strings. Here the men are responsible for entire new families. It’s exhasting, expensive and not the easiest way to get sex by any means.
All in all, the whole experience was fascinating and eye-opening. I really did come away with the feeling that we should live and let love. These are families built entirely on love.
After 2 full and hectic days immersed in understanding the Fundamentalist Mormon culture, we return to our wonderful friends Johnny and Angel for the first alcohol in days, full of stories and facts and sit down to a BBQ and conversation late into the night.
